jeddot

pekat langit malam, gugusan bintang kabur. dah malam kan. norma manusia berkeliaran. Ah lantaklah! kaki aku lekat, kukuh menapak. berbumbungkan siling putih, bangunan usang. berpenduduk sejantina.

semua tampak sama. padahal lain. apa perlu aku buat kalau hati dah keras? dulu aku ingat air. lama kelamaan dah makin lain. baik aku mengelat.  biar jauh, biarlah aku terasing. asal aku tahu, apa aku mahu . walau tersentap di hujung pangkal laluan, aku tetap akan cari haluan. mungkin. ada baiknya aku terlewat . 

Kau seret aku dengan sopan, Soalan demi soalan kau aju. Hinggakan aku tertipu terjebak dalam permainan, Membuka bicara membawa debat. Bicara kau sinis, Mengundang pertelingkahan. Kau tak pandang atas bawah, Kau tak gusar menyusun ayat. Kukuh teguh diri kau aku akur, Tapi jujur, Tutur kata yang kau sembur, Tiada asas, lebur. Baik kau diam kalau benci. Sebab kadang, Kau yang menjatuhkan persepsi tinggi orang, Menampakkan kau itu bawah. Mencerminkan kau itu manusia yang bagaimana. ***terima kasih kepada orang yang sebegini sebab kau membawa aku untuk lebih faham. Bahawa manusia itu banyak sangat perasaan cemburu.  Kadang membuatkan manusia itu sendiri tidak bersyukur dengan apa yang dia miliki. Dan kau menyedarkan aku bahawa, walau apa sekalipun yang kita lakukan, baik mahupun buruk. dengan niat BENAR ataupun salah.  Tetapkan ada orang yang memBENCI dari belakang. Dah ! Jangan nak sangat puaskan hati orang. sebab kita hidup ada tujuannya.  Cari...

persepsi dulu perlu diubah? aku bagai tak percaya. dia yang aku senangi. pengakhiran 'sempurna' berkecai terus, bersepah bagai kaca retak beribu. dia bukanlah dia yang aku sangka. meleset jauh tak ku duga. itulah manusia.

Pada dingin malam itu, Timbul idea untuk menilai perwatakan. Aku cuba bayangkan seseorang, Seseorang yang periang, Seseorang yang petah dan tulus berkongsi cerita. Dan bilamana dia teruja, Dengan bergaya dia meluah bait-bait kata. Namun jauh di sudut hati, Dia bukanlah si ramah. Dia terkadang suka menyendiri. Dia selalu menyimpan sepi. Karna dia, Tak semua perkara bisa dilafazkan dengan kata bicara Dan bukanlah semua yang digembar gembur itu benar. Pada pemerhatian si dia, Hati terkadang menipu. Akal juga terbiasa lemas dalam imaginasi. Hanya kerana ingin menyedapkan hati. Hanya untuk menenangkan jiwa.

hidup lesu  tanpa warna,  tiada runut suara mungkin sebab itu  Di-ciptakan  manusia  punya berbagai kerenah. jiwa sepi  tanpa rasa,  penuh noda mungkin sebab itu  Ter-wujud rasa kasih dan iri hati minda kosong  tanpa soal, tiada ragu dan sebab itu mungkin,  Di-kirimkan  dugaan  dan  seribu macam masalah ruang untuk akal berfikir  sejenak.

the day  she made up her mind of not exposing true self self-portray, of protecting oneself. try to make things right, and be peculiar not to repeat the same rusty mistake she chooses to stand by herself, freely No  No need No pretentious

sometimes, I do feel ungrateful, staring at others life,  whilst mirroring my life the other way around. why wouldn't I be so and so? while my eyes keep watching them, my mind piled up with quite a bundle of questions, unsatisfied,  what path was I currently landed  caught me,  feeling sad within rejoice of others? I'm pissed looking at their bright smile  and, I smirk, why everyone been so selfish, nothing at all. My heart was numb.  I don't know w hat to feel. stiff.

hey, you. yes. I am trying to say, Do you dare to dream? what if ones can dream, what if ones can have her/him dream be fulfilled? The analogy that I wish I can be is.. a magnet. If I were a magnet, I will be able to pull and push every single thing around me. To have the magnetic power of pushing away the bad thing that may give trouble if it sticks around, to keep the distance from the people who might hurt me in the future. To protect me from being hurt or left out.  If I were a magnet, I will be able to pull good thing to stick around so that I can benefit from it. To be able to attract everything that I wish to have and to turn the unwanted stuff into the insulator for me to kick them out from my life, name it the fears, problems, prejudice in order to keep me sane. To be able to live my life purposely. 

I decided to open a blank page and start typing. Who knows ideas will push each other out of the way in the eagerness to get to this page. Well, let’s see what do I have in my mind. What about myself? I am a plain eighteen teenager who sees the world through my own eyes. I am the youngest child in my family but my friends did not really expect that. They think that I am the eldest child in my family. Actually, I really like their expectation because this shows that I do look mature and independent. I came from an ordinary family living in a village. I still have both of my parents which makes me feel grateful compared to those who had lost their parent. I have a sister who had married and two brothers. My mother is the one who could really understand me and for me, it was my old man who taught me to say the words I can. There were so many times I would doubt myself but her words were always there to help. My father loves to give advice and never let me fall with his motivating story....

every single moment that passed by, she stood in silence. begin to listen to her own body rhythms, trying to pledge herself to feel better. as today is a fine, clear and calm day. nature makes her realize, get rid over a pitiful thought. move on.

Assalamualaikum, Yesterday's a disappointment. Frankly say that I am really down. It's hurt to face the music that my SPM result wasn't good. NOT any expectation. When friends of mine asked, they turned to shock. And that is the fact. Why are they surprised? "Dear, how come. You deserve better than 2 A's actually. you had struggle within the morning till night and I can't believe. You're kidding right??" That's what they said. My brother did tell me, "Alhamdulillah, what a great achievement you have got. Doesn't matter how many A's did you get, adik.. Be grateful. Be strong. Never give up. Only Allah know what is best for His servant. Just belief." Then I realized... How hard you struggle, if Allah doesn't want it to happen, then it won't. 'man jadda, wa jadda' This is the test from Allah to know how grateful am I for what I had achieved because I still have A's in my result.

Assalamualaikum, Lately, my confident level becomes worst each day.  How it happen?  I do not have the answer.  I've thoroughly tried to figure out.  So I tried to find the answer.   In the classroom, sir kept asking if there were anything that we want to ask, but there was no sound.   Then I raised my hand, "Sir, how to be confident?".  Then, he smiled.   All the stud kept silent and pay full attention.  Then he asked "do you think you are beautiful?" he pointed at me.  I didn't know what to say at that time and ended up by saying "hurmm maybe".  He says "What? you didn't like yourself? how come anak ".  I nodded.  Then he said something that I will bear in mind.  Look anak , let's  think.  If we don't accept our own, who will? If we don't think we are beautiful, then who will? It's all depends on what we think we are. Just believe in yourself... Trust me.  It's harmful to hear what others say. ...

dingin malam buat hati gusar. takut bukan kepalang. hati berdegup laju. bukan esok tapi hari kemudian. tapi otak makin ligat. resah tolong! pergi jauh buat seketika. biar berseorang asal diberi rehat. yang pasti, keputusan tetap dapat. Itu pasti. barangkali baik atau sebaliknya.. Itu kehidupan pelajar. takut sentiasa ada. tekanan datang berteman. ujian harapan sementara. keputusan itu penamat. rutin kembali berulang... Ya ALLAH, tenangkanlah hati ini, semoga kejayaan yang dikurniakan. namun jika tidak, hambaMu ini tahu Engkau tahu apa yang terbaik untukku..